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Does “the one” exist?

Does “the one” exist?

“Sure!”, Hollywood movie producers will tell you. Obviously, movies that show monogamous love touch viewers, and that’s why sells. Love wins. You have a warm feeling in your heart, No doubt.

But in reality, there is not only one person in the world that suits us. It is statistically impossible, as out of the millions of people who live around us there are probably dozens who can be highly compatible partners.

If we expand our search to other countries, we will discover that there are hundreds of people who can be “the one” that is, there are many other “ones”. The question is to what extent we are exposed to them or how many of them we will meet during our lifetime.

We want to believe that we are special and unique in the world, but in fact, as psychological studies show, we think and do more or less the same as everyone else; we have similar traits and features, and therefore in a large group we are likely to find more than one person with similar traits and features who can be a compatible partner.

Normal distribution suggests that the average, mainstream person has more compatible partners than those on the margins of the curve; however, all of them have more than one compatible partner, probably dozens or hundreds.

For example:
George who lives in London has five compatible partners in London and the surrounding area, one in Manchester, two in Scotland, one in Los Angeles and, finally, Emily, who lives in Sydney, Australia. It is reasonable to assume that George and Emily will never meet, but this does not mean that Emily will remain alone, as she too has dozens of compatible partners worldwide, most of them in Australia, others perhaps in Germany, the United States or even China! (Out of hundreds of millions of Chinese men, surely there’s a chance).

Around 50% of those married in the United States are not happy with their marriages, yet they stay together.

“The one” is a myth with potentially destructive ramifications on relationships and one of the reasons why young monogamous people are worried about committing to marriage, as it seems that after the wedding there is no turning back, and what happens if it transpires that he or she is not “the one”?

So the answer is very simple. He or she is not “the one”. There are dozens of “ones”, and if you just open your eyes, you will discover more people who can be compatible partners for a lifetime relationship.

Why does monogamy cause divorce?
Because of this lack of understanding, millions of young people in their twenties have their first romantic relationship with “the one” they have chosen, who usually has low compatibility, as they lack the experience to find a highly compatible partner.

After a while they separate and go through other relationships, all of which are monogamous, all with the objective of finding “the one”, so on average they have 2-3 serious relationships lasting at least one year. The years go by, the women pass the age of 25, the men are touching thirty, and they feel that it is time to find the knight in shining armor or Princess Jasmine from Aladdin. But because of their meagre experience, they are not equipped with the tools that will enable them to choose a highly compatible partner (as their previous relationships robbed them of most of their time), and in this way most people marry a partner with low or moderate compatibility!

They will pay for this mistake in the future, not in the first year of baby euphoria, but when they join the divorce statistics. The gloomy data indicate that one in two married couples in the United States and one in three in Europe will divorce.

Thus most young married persons did not have sufficient time to find a highly compatible partner and made their relationship official too soon.

In conclusion, “the one” is a fantasy that could come back to hurt you like a boomerang.

Usually, the greater your illusion and expectations from the partner who is “the one”, the greater the chances that your partner will disappoint you and, even worse, that you will discover that other people are even more attractive than he or she is.

If this is not enough, it is possible that over the years you will develop in different directions, and the “perfect” compatibility will simply disappear. For these reasons and others there is no such thing as “the one”. It is statistically impossible and contrary to human nature.

Love is dynamic. You cannot guarantee that your great love in your twenties or thirties will stay the same in your sixties. We and our partners change as life events affect us, and reality is stronger than we are. What was right and good when we were young could change over time.

Therefore the right thing to do is to acknowledge reality as it is, without idealizing your partner. If the time comes when you decide to get married, go to a lawyer and sign a prenuptial agreement first. This step will make the divorce process easier on you if things don’t go according to plan.

Good luck!

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Pleased to meet you! I created this site in order to encourage people to try polyamorous relationships and bring them together. My articles are written with an experience of over twenty years in various polyamorous relationships. I share with you my experience and insight through the numerous relationships I’ve had in the hope you’ll find answers to your questions from someone living a free life. (read more).

5 Comments on "Does “the one” exist?"

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Jim Polylover
Jim Polylover

The entire gist of your article seems to be stated in absolute terms instead of as opinion, which I consider it to be. Whenever I see something stated as an absolute, being the contrarian that I am, it is in my nature to try to poke holes in it, and I usually succeed. It is probably not my most endearing characteristic, but it is part of who I am.

Jim Polylover
Jim Polylover
You say that 25 to 30 year old people “are not equipped with the tools that will enable them to choose a highly compatible partner”. I have been around quite a few years (age 72), and have yet to encounter these ‘tools’ you refer to. If they indeed do exist, please point them out to me. I could certainly use them. I very much agree with you that people should not idealize their partners. I was with a woman who insisted that I was a perfect man. I told her I had faults and was not perfect, but it took… Read more »
Jim Polylover
Jim Polylover
When my wife and I got together, we both realized that we were not each others ideal partner, but since we were the closest thing to it, we decided to stay together. Here we are, 43 years later, still together, and I can’t envision either of us ever deserting the other, even if ideal mates are ever found. We do have past life history with each other, but don’t consider ourselves to be soulmates. We are definitely highly compatible, and along the way we have found a few others that each of us found to be somewhat compatible, but still… Read more »
Jim Polylover
Jim Polylover
The terms The One and Soulmate generally seem to be interchangeable to most people. If what you are saying is that there is no such thing as a soulmate, then I have to strongly disagree with you. You used the phrase more people who can be compatible partners a few times. Can be compatible does not imply to me that they are necessarily highly compatible. So yes, there very well may be lots of people available who ‘can be compatible’, but that doesn’t mean that they would make ideal partners, even if they might make good secondary ones. The stats… Read more »
This is an interesting article. I would argue that “the one” does not exist. What I find many monogamy proponents really mean is that they are hoping for one to spend their entire life with, but it also means only one at a time. For example, should anything cause them to become single again after they were sure they found “the one,” they would potentially re-enter the dating pool in search of another “one.” That negates the entire concept of “the one,” because “the one” title can be given to another even if there is always room in one’s heart… Read more »
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