Sign In

Remember Me

Should tell people that I am polyamorous on the first date?

Should tell people that I am polyamorous on the first date?

When you are on a date, assume that the other party has a monogamous view.

Should you share with him that you are polyamorous?

The answer is unequivocal: definitely not!

The moment you declare that you are able to love more than one person, the emotions that will engulf him and all the negative issues you can imagine will go through his mind. Outwardly, people want to be seen as liberal. They will smile and some will cooperate, but in their hearts they will disqualify you. There is a negative stigma attached to polyamory, mainly out of ignorance. Don’t go there.

If you tell her that polyamory is based on trust, she will think to herself, “Cheater! How dare he tell me that? Does he think I’m an idiot?”

If you tell him that it’s boring to eat strawberry with ice cream all day and you are trying different flavours, he will think, “She can’t make up her mind”.

If you tell her that love and sex correspond to two different mechanisms in the brain, she will think to herself, “He’s a liar. He told me he was looking for love”.

Don’t bother to explain, and certainly don’t try to persuade them. Nobody changes their opinion in a split second. Just as a religious person will not turn into an atheist in a split second. Therefore it is better not to talk about it.

Polyamory must be the most secret truth in the world…

If your date asks you about your previous relationships, answer that your main previous relationship was with the previous partner and abstain from referring to additional partners, if you had any simultaneously. It is reasonable to assume that nobody will ask you directly if you are monogamous or polyamorous, but if they do ask, simply evade the answer.

Not stating a fact is not a lie when you are on your first date.
The first date is designed to explore, to check whether there is chemistry and attraction. Nobody needs to know your entire family history, your political positions or hear about all the problems you have with your boss.

I will share with you a personal story about my South Korean female ex-partner. We met in London during an English class (my mother tongue is Hebrew). After two weeks together I told her that I was bisexual, and she immediately told me that if she had known, she would not have gone on the first date; however, as she already knew me, she was curious to hear about bisexuality, because in Korea it is not discussed.

This is an example why there are things you should keep for later in the relationship. If I had told her about my sexual tendencies on the first date, she would have rejected me immediately, due to her apprehension and prejudice, and both of us would have missed out.

After two months I told her that I was polyamorous, but of course I had not slept with anyone else during that period. She already knew me well and trusted me. The trust between us gave her the confidence to try out a polyamorous relationship and also go out with another man I did not know. I encouraged and supported her, and after a year it seemed natural to her to love two men simultaneously.

It shattered all the principles she had been raised on, in particular for a Korean princess who comes from a conservative and conformist culture, but she already knew me well and really wanted to try.

Don’t forget that most people are motivated by fear, prejudice and conservatism, and in these situations you should behave wisely.

Show author info
Tany
By

Pleased to meet you! I created this site in order to encourage people to try polyamorous relationships and bring them together. My articles are written with an experience of over twenty years in various polyamorous relationships. I share with you my experience and insight through the numerous relationships I’ve had in the hope you’ll find answers to your questions from someone living a free life. (read more).

Leave a Reply

15 Comments on "Should tell people that I am polyamorous on the first date?"

Sort by:   newest | oldest | most voted
Jim Polylover
Member
Regular
I agree that you should not try to explain poly beyond a persons interest level, nor should you try to persuade them to be poly. If they are interested in learning about who you are, they will learn about poly based on what you tell them about your experiences, and decide to be poly or not also based on that, so don’t try to convince them. However, I extremely disagree with you saying that you should try to keep the fact of you being poly a secret. Part of starting a new relationship is learning to know each other. Since… Read more »
Marcia Everett
Member
Regular

Well as it turns out I did tell a lady during our first full conversation that I was poly.  She replied that she thought she was enough for any person but she still wants to spend time with me. I’m trying to figure out how to explain– in romantic speak- -not clinical on the polydate wall speak- -how I don’t believe any one person is enough for any one person. Mmmm.

Florida Girl
Member
Regular

Try read “Game Changer a memoir of disruptive love” by Franklin Beaux. wink wink

Jim Polylover
Member
Regular

It is not impossible for one person to be the be all, end all for another person, but it is in my opinion extremely rare to find, and having both partners be that for each other is even more rare. It is much more likely for you to be able to find everything you need in more than one person. I just say that is what I believe.

Chris Wolf
Member
Regular

You should not tell someone you are poly on your first date – you should tell them before you ever go on a date, imho.  Poly is a deal breaker for many people. If you don’t tell them ahead of time then you are deceiving them, leading them on, and probably wasting both of your time.

Jim Polylover
Member
Regular

I totally agree with you.

Marcia Everett
Member
Regular
So far I have agreed with everything I’ve seen you post. I went to a poly meeting and they sort of thought I had made a mistake of telling the lady whose number I asked for, that I was poly sort of in the next conversation we had. So I want to run by you how I think of poly. While I agree that being ethical is foremost, I will practice safe sex, I will gauge whether people I meet would be able to interact with each other if that ever came up. But I don’t need permission to talk… Read more »
Marcia Everett
Member
Regular

CHRIS WOLF: I agree with everything I’ve seen you post. (didn’t see an edit button)

What is the amount of sexual visits with a person, that is needed, for it to not be swinging?

Jim Polylover
Member
Regular

The number of sexual visits has nothing to do with it in my opinion. Do you have love for the person? If so, then it is not swinging. See my Blog soon to be copied here from Polyamory Network for more information on this.

Kim Jones
Member
Regular
I agree that it is lying to not state your intentions up front.  Some people will not accept it regardless and it is a waste of their time and yours. And is lying. I have real world experience with both ways, been rejected outright immediately, kept someone on the line and the person “tried” but really just thought that I must not care about the other person if I wanted to date them, messed things up for a bit for my other partner and myself, been truthful from the start and now am in a great triad for over a year!!
David Zube
Member
Regular

Not sure about the first date, because that’s just the meeting part. You haven’t made any promises, yet, nor misrepresented yourself. If you are asked directly, though, you are obligated to be truthful. If honesty with yourself, and those around you, is one of the core principles of ethical non monogamy, then evading questions on the issue is in direct opposition to that principle.

Jim Polylover
Member
Regular

I’m with Chris Wolf on this one. You should make it known up front, before ever going on a date that you are poly.

Marcia Everett
Member
Regular
SO are we assuming this person is monogamous for the example? Or is the Poly dater ASSUMING that their date is monogamous? Anyway no on your FIRST DATE you don’t have to tell every sexual secret that you have. However, just like being gay or atheist coming out of the closet makes it better for all of us. I want to find out if the person is monogamous as soon as I can so I can move on, unless they think they might like to try me and poly and see how they like it. And find out if it’s… Read more »
Jenn
Guest
Regular
Jenn

I completely disagree. Not telling someone isn’t going to make them okay with it after months of dating. If you don’t say it up front, then you’re wasting your time and their time and you’re setting both of you up for heartbreak and failure. Polyamory should NOT be a secret to romantic interests. It is lying. You’re pretending to be monogamous when you’re not. Therefore you’re misrepresenting yourself, which is lying. If you can’t be open and upfront about it, then it’s not the relationship type for you.

Laura Cox
Member
Regular
I completely agree we literally just had this discussion yesterday as we are new to the lifestyle.  We were in a monogamous relationship, it simply didn’t work.  He wasn’t as happy and I wasn’t as happy.  I encourage him to look for a connection and hook up and talk to people but we have the rule that we establish that we are in a relationship and we do see other people.  I feel it is setting it up for failure because the other person feels hurt that you lied to them.  I am Bisexual and have never really had a… Read more »
wpDiscuz
Yes No