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Dating unwilling to settle

Home Forums Polyamory Dating unwilling to settle

This topic contains 5 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by Charles Eaton Charles Eaton 2 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #5786


    I honestly don’t know what I identify with. I thought I was the monogamous type, but after I broke up with my long term boyfriend almost 2 years ago, I’ve since had multiple long term lovers, at times within hours of the each other, and I’ve begun to wonder. At first I thought I was just exploring being single. Then I fell in love with one of my lovers and realized that while I did love him, I still wanted to have sex with and cared about all the others. Then the one I fell in love with, who was not only having sex with me, asked me if I would be willing to join him and another partner and it took me a while to say yes, but when I did we had the most incredible experience. I realized then that I had a lot of love to give, but also that I’m not ready to give up my other partners or potential partners. He’s just the most prominent one. This is all new territory for me. I’m not ready to move in with anyone. I don’t want an exclusive relationship with anyone, including the guy I love. Actually, I’ve discovered that I love them all just not in that intense “in mad love” way. One of my ex boyfriends said that he couldn’t see me with just one person now that I’ve discovered this about myself and perhaps he’s right. But I’m now trying to figure out what this is. Am I poly-amorous or just a slut? At first that’s what I thought I must be. But I won’t sleep with just anyone, I do have standards. I have slept with men and then crossed them off the list of lovers. The list has narrowed but it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t add more to it. But I can’t help thinking that if I were to find the right man, I would release the others to former lovers and be able to go back to monogamy. I mean every time I’ve been in a committed relationship with a man that is what I’ve done. I am only this way now because I have refused to commit. The offers I’ve had over the past year just weren’t sweet enough. So I’m struggling with what this really is. Any thoughts or comments would be useful. Questions welcome as I am trying to discover my true attitude. Peace & Love!

  • #6228
    Clint Miller
    Clint Miller

    My initial reaction is to question whether it’s love or lust you feel towards these people. You’ve talked a lot about who you’ve slept with and your standards in that regard. What you haven’t said is a word about who you spend time out of the bed with. Poly, to me, isn’t just sex. What you’re describing is more akin to “swinging” in my book.

  • #6388


    Hey there

    There are a lot of gray area when it comes to “who counts as poly.” As you can see, opinions differ. I call even swingers, poly, because my definition of poly is “multiple loves.” However, I, myself, favor romantic attachment in my relationships.

    As for your questions, you very well could be poly, and have been introduced to the poly idea through sexual adventure. I would go through many of the articles posted here. I have found them to be great reads. There are also a lot of books, though I personally recommend “More than Two” and “The Ethical Slut” for starters. Funny enough, I call myself an “ethical slut,” too 😉

    It’s been awhile since you posted this, I hope to hear an update from you 🙂

  • #6401
    Jim Polylover
    Jim Polylover

    @Tali You know I love it when you and I disagree on anything, I think it helps us both grow. To be clear, I do not disagree at all with your second paragraph, which is really the most important part of your post.

    You have already heard the nuances of our differences about swinging, but for the sake of others I’ll reiterate here. There are different types of swingers, some who include love in their relationships, and some who are only into the physicality of sex. The root words of polyamory mean multiple loves, so any swingers that include some amount of love would be classified as polyamorous in my opinion. Those who only want the sex without any hint of love would not be poly in my opinion, even though that does not make their choices any less valid.

    Now for the thing I don’t think we have talked about before. You used the term ‘romantic attachment’, as do a lot of other people. I think it is overused and most often doesn’t really mean what the person thinks it means. Being romantic is buying your love flowers, and or other gifts, and doing special things for them. I can have a deeply loving relationship without being at all romantic about it. There are lots of different kinds of relationships, sexual, loving, and romantic are just three of them. Unfortunately, from my viewpoint, romantic way to often is used when loving would be much more appropriate.

    @Mae I’d love to hear your thoughts on the subject after you reevaluate based on what I said about whether love is included or not. Personally, based on what you said, I’d say that you are most probably poly.

  • #6446


    I couldn’t agree more Jim that our civil opposing views only accentuate our interaction with each other. 🙂

    I am hopeful we’ll get an update

  • #15482
    Charles Eaton
    Charles Eaton

    It is not wrong to explore yourself, many would like to say what poly is an poly is not, the word, in essence, means more than one. So definition of poly is definitely individualized. I would suggest that you possibly look into taking some of the courses offered by Center for new culture. It is a nonprofit organization that has seminar in all three regions of the country, here is there website. check it out, they are very affordable since it is not a for-profit organization. Also understand one other thing there is nothing wrong with you exploring yourself. Just make sure you play it safe, this regarding not only an unintentional pregnancy but also unfortunately STDs, I would not feel right if I did not mention that publicly, not so much for you but for others who may read this post. The main point here is it is okay to love more than one person, no one has ever said that poly is made up of three, four, or even five. The emotional disconnect you are feeling, and the associated guilt, is because you have been program by society to fit into a round hole even if you are a square peg or a triangle. In time things will settle down and you received the direction that you are meant to receive, but until then take it easy on yourself, love yourself, and accept yourself at this point in time where you are at. Sincerely Charles

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