Should tell people that I am polyamorous on the first date?

When you are on a date, assume that the other party has a monogamous view.

Should you share with him that you are polyamorous?

My answer is unequivocal: definitely not!

The moment you declare that you are able to love more than one person, the emotions that will engulf him and all the negative issues you can imagine will go through his mind. Outwardly, people want to be seen as liberal. They will smile and some will cooperate, but in their hearts they will disqualify you. There is a negative stigma attached to polyamory, mainly out of ignorance. Don’t go there.

If you tell her that polyamory is based on trust, she will think to herself,

“Cheater! How dare he tell me that? Does he think I’m an idiot?”

If you tell him that it’s boring to eat strawberry with ice cream all day and you are trying different flavours, he will think,

She can’t make up her mind”.

If you tell her that love and sex correspond to two different mechanisms in the brain, she will think to herself, “He’s a liar. He told me he was looking for love”.

Don’t bother to explain, and certainly don’t try to persuade them. Nobody changes their opinion in a split second. Just as a religious person will not turn into an atheist in a split second. Therefore it is better not to talk about it.

Polyamory must be the most secret truth in the world…

If your date asks you about your previous relationships, answer that your main previous relationship was with the previous partner and abstain from referring to additional partners, if you had any simultaneously. It is reasonable to assume that nobody will ask you directly if you are monogamous or polyamorous, but if they do ask, simply evade the answer.

Not stating a fact is not a lie when you are on your first date.

The first date is designed to explore, to check whether there is chemistry and attraction. Nobody needs to know your entire family history, your political positions or hear about all the problems you have with your boss.

I will share with you a personal story about my South Korean female ex-partner. We met in London during an English class (my mother tongue is Hebrew). After two weeks together I told her that I was bisexual, and she immediately told me that if she had known, she would not have gone on the first date; however, as she already knew me, she was curious to hear about bisexuality, because in Korea it is not discussed.

This is an example why there are things you should keep for later in the relationship. If I had told her about my sexual tendencies on the first date, she would have rejected me immediately, due to her apprehension and prejudice, and both of us would have missed out.

After two months I told her that I was polyamorous, but of course I had not slept with anyone else during that period. She already knew me well and trusted me. The trust between us gave her the confidence to try out a polyamorous relationship and also go out with another man I did not know. I encouraged and supported her, and after a year it seemed natural to her to love two men simultaneously.

It shattered all the principles she had been raised on, in particular for a Korean princess who comes from a conservative and conformist culture, but she already knew me well and really wanted to try.

Don’t forget that most people are motivated by fear, prejudice and conservatism, and in these situations you should behave wisely.

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